Chris just came out to visit a few weeks ago, and lucky me, I had a pen and paper handy for a bit of it, so here’s a big zingers update.
On the ride home from the airport after he’s just arrived:Me: It’s good you have a sweatshirt, it’s been a really cold summer. Except for last week when it was crazy hot.
Chris: Go ahead. Tell me. How hot has it been? Low 80’s?
Me: No, probably upper 80’s, low 90’s.
Chris: It’s been mid-90’s every day in DC all summer.
Me: Well now it’s back to being cold here.
Chris: Tina, it’s 72 degrees outside.
Me: I know.
Chris: That’s not cold. That’s room temperature.
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Me: They’re nothing wrong with not eating meat.
Chris: We’re carnivores, Tina. Look at your teeth. Look at them!
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Chris: People always try to come up with good things to do with a time machine. They’d go back and pay a bill they forgot or something. And I’m like, ‘No. That’s stupid.’ I’d go back and buy all the stocks after the Great Depression and then come back to the present and buy a small island. Like Australia. Actually, you know what I’d do? I’d buy cities.
Me: Like New York.
Chris: Yes. I’d buy every business in New York. And people could start new businesses, but then I’d buy them out and get all the profits. Just for s***s and giggles because I’d already have a house made out of billion dollar bills.
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Chris: Man, your kids are going to hate my kids. They’ll be like, ‘Mom, Chris got a Porsche from his dad.’
Me: You’re going to name your first son Chris?
Chris: Hell yes. And the second will be Chris 2. And then Chris 3.
Me: Will the girls be Chris too?
Chris: No, I’ll think of something.
Me: But the first is Christopher Sterling Little.
Me: *Go to write this down for the blog*
Chris: That’s not funny! That’s serious. What are you naming your kids? Something weird.
Me: I haven’t decided yet. Maybe Aidan Roarke.
Chris: Roarke. That’s right. Christopher Sterling Little is weird, and your kid’s name is Roarke.
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Waiting for our name to be called at the pizza parlor after a long day and an early lunch (read: we are REALLY hungry):Chris: Pizza. My mouth. Let them meet.
(Note: for reference to this zinger, please see the zingers on prostitots from 11.21.2007. I was hoping to remind him about the earlier zinger concerning Razin' Kane’s.) Commenting on the hostesses who have yet to call us:Chris: Come on, sluts.
Me: Prostitots.
Chris: They’re fully grown.
Me: Where are the prostitots?
Chris: *blank look*
Me: Where did you first come up with the term?
Chris: Bring Your Daughter to Work Day?
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At the Del Mar horse races, we’re discussing what we’d name our horses:Chris: I’d name my horse ‘Lazy Bastard.’ And he’d be a Clydesdale. And I’d have all the other horses shot in the legs with tranquilizers in the middle of the race, so Lazy Bastard would clomp, clomp, clomp his way to the win. And it would be a really long race, but Lazy Bastard would come out on top. And his odds would be 8000 to 1 and I’d get up and say ‘$50 please.’
So Chris and I were picking which horses we thought would win each race based solely on their names. In one race, there was a horse named Izshelegal, which we thought was a strange name. Therefore, neither of us chose this horse to win, place, or show. Then however, the horses came out, and the announcer made us realize that the name is pronounced ‘is she legal’ at which point we changed our minds and thought that was a great name. So Chris chose her to win. During the race however, the horse took an early lead only to lose it in the home stretch:Chris: Do over.
Me: Obviously she didn’t realize how cool her name was.
Chris: Seriously. She didn’t get it either.
