So we just got back from our most recent scuba vacation to Bonaire, and whenever you put my brother on a tropical island, he just seems to get funnier. I missed tons of good ones, but here's what I managed to write down:
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(After telling Mom he's going to order scotch on the plane)
Chris: Mom has informed me that I can't dive if I'm hung over.
Me: Ha!
Dad: I wouldn't let you either.
Me: It's just hilarious to think of Chris being hung over from an airline bottle of scotch.
Chris: Yeah Mom, I don't have $60 to blow here to do it right.
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(Upon learning that I'm the only one with an aisle seat on the flight from Newark to Bonaire)
Dad: You'll have to see if Tina lets you have it, Chris.
Chris: I can sit wherever I want, I'm bigger than everyone else on this plane. I can sit in the captain's chair if I want. I bet I'd fall asleep great there.
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Me: (Realizing that if they don't have Amaretto on the plane, I will need $10 to buy both Baily's and Khalua) Dad, if they don't have Amaretto, I'm going to need $10 for alcohol.
Chris: (Immediately and dead serious) Me too.
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Dad: They should make you buy the coke.
Chris: What?
Dad: You know, for a rum and coke, they should make you buy the coke.
Chris: That would dilute the alcohol.
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Chris: Hey Tina, that kid over there (points to a child with his father on the moving walkway). He and his dad are just going back and forth on the moving walkway. Hey Dad, I think you and I should get on right behind them and go 'Wheeeeeee!'.
(Later sees the same kid running away from his Dad)
Chris: Wow, he took that turn like a pro, right off the moving walkway and off like a shot.
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(Having not eaten for a long time since we took at midnight flight to get in at 4AM)
Mom: Anyone want a mint?
Chris: Sure, that sounds like food.
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Chris: Thanks Pop.
Dad: What?
Chris: Where's my water?
Dad: You didn't ask for water.
Chris: Yes, yes I did.
Dad: When?
Chris: At the same time Tina did. Fine, I'll just get my own water.
Dad: Did I acknowledge you?
Chris: Is that how we're doing this now? I have to wait for an 'okay' when I ask you for something? Tina and I both ask for water: (As Dad) 'Okay Tina, here you go, I love you. Chris, get your own.'
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Dad: You know, we didn't have breakfast today.
Chris: Yes we did. I ate many honeycombs. They were delicious.
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Dad: Yeah, the place we ate at in the airport wasn't very good.
Chris: That's because you asked the skinny little waitress which one she'd recommend--a Philly cheese steak or a Reuben. That's like asking Tina to make a recommendation. Did you see the size of her? She's never eaten a Philly cheese steak. She's probably never even sat next to a Philly cheese steak.
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(On Idina Menzel, who plays Nancy in 'Enchanted')
Chris: She has a man jaw. Good Lord, she could crack nuts with that thing.
Later,
Chris: You know what, she's Wario. They're going to be dancing at the end and when they separate, she going to raise her arms and go 'Waaaaa' (says this part with his hands up, making a Wario voice).
Later,
Me: Okay, I'm ready for some zingers. I've got a pen and paper, go for it.
Chris: Maybe when that horse-face shows up, cracking some walnuts with her jaw, then I'll have something for you. Until then, I've got nothing.
Later,
Chris: God, she looks like a dude.
Mom: I think they could have made her look better.
Chris: I think they could have gotten somebody else! Look at her, she's a man. Her face goes straight down. (Pretending to be her as Wario, and making a Beevis and Butthead type voice) 'Har har har har'. Seriously, the resemblance is UNCANNY!
(Sees her kiss Patrick Dempsey)
Chris: Uuugh.
Me: You know, her husband is REALLY attractive. One of the best looking men in Hollywood.
Chris: Is he blind?
(The wicked witch disguised as a hag comes onto the screen)
Chris: I'd rather have HER than the other lady.
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Chris: Tina, we've gone in on their [the parents] gifts so far, do you want to get them a super-cool bluetooth hearing aid? They'll look hip like they're on their bluetooth while actually listening to conversations across the room and HOPEFULLY hearing US, their children, across the table.
